Yesterday, I posted my stab at the Seven Deadly Sins of the Internet Age. I was pretty serious about it in my usual Important Stuff way. Today, SATIRE!
The Seven (not so) Deadly Sins According to the Internet Age (NOTE: these sin apply both on and off the internet):
1) Getting Trolled
No, no, no, you’re wrong. You’re thinking, “isn’t trolling the sin?” No, my friend, for trolls are here now and forever. Trolls are a natural part of the landscape. Like cows. Cows that fart. Do you want to get farted on? Then don’t go suck on a cow’s behind. Similarly, it’s up to you whether or not you get trolled. Because if someone fires some classic simple troll like “I love Stuck in the Middle With You by Bob Dylan” or “Your a fascist and a socialist” or “I !%(!%*$ed your MOM!” at you, and you go all “Uhh actually it’s by Stealer’s Wheel” or “Uhh actually fascists hate socialists” or “SHUTUP! NO YOU DIDNT!” you’ve sucked the fart. You didn’t have to. But you did. Probably ’cause you’ve got too much Pride or something to suffer someone being Wrong On the Internet, but that’s an old-school view. The key here is that you fell for it, and so you are a sinner. Get thee absolved. Maybe by going and trolling someone else.
2) Treating Something Old Like It’s New
But don’t commit sin number two when trying to go troll someone else like that. This is mostly a sin of old people, like your mom, but you can fall prey to it yourself just as easily if you’re not careful. Try trolling someone else with, say, a link that says “Hey, check this out! It’s sooo funny!” and it turns out that – oh man wait for it – it links to “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley for some reason? Oh man. Did you just do that? And not even in a clever way? SIN. You have acted like something people already know about is surprising! You have promised novelty and entertainment and FAILED TO DELIVER! Heck, even if you try to turn the other cheek on your tormentor by posting something nice in response, something cute and funny, like Dramatic Chipmunk? OUCH! What was that? Oh, nothing. Just your immortal soul ripping in twain. No, don’t worry about it. Go on and tell your friends that you just found out that Sylvester Stallone did a porn once! or that you’ve been playing this game where you toss these birds at pigs and its so addictive they should try it! Go on ahead. It’s totally fine, it doesn’t even matter. (Because you’re already damned.)
“What’s this? What’s thiz thing the kidz inside the intertubez are saying theze dayz? This term, I believe it was “butthurt,” I do understand it describes someone being upset in a potentially whiny manner about being trolled or offended, you say? Why “butthurt”? Wait, you mean, as if- as if they had been- as if someone had stuck a- Oh my! You can’t be serious! Are you sure it’s not just implying that their butt is numb or something? Ugh! That is disgusting! That is offensive! And probably some combination of misogynistic and homophobic in its implication and origin, knowing the internet! Why as a gay man and/or woman, I am personally upset by the very term itself, especially should it be used against me! I say it should be retired!” “We’d happily retire it for you, and you’ve come to the right place here at the Internet Complaints Office, but… oh, but, look here. Only untarnished souls are allowed to make complaints. You’ve gotta have a clean record. And it looks here like you’ve got one deadly mark against you, see? One nasty sin, riiiight there in the little checkbox, see?” “What’s that? I haven’t sinned! What’s that stand for?” “Being butthurt. ..NEXT!”
4) Cool Story Bro
“One time I went on the internet. Some folks were talking about some stuff. Something they said reminded me of something else that I thought was amusing. So I clicked keys on my keypad and made the words of my story appear in the entry form and moved my mouse so that the corresponding pointer aimed at the “click to publish” button and I clicked it and it was posted and people read it. And they said… they said… well, I was awakened by their wisdom. They revealed unto me that my story was cool, that I was their bro, and that my story had nothing to do with anything. They told me I had sinned; I had wasted the precious resource of internet, forcing people to spend precious megabytes of their time reading through it, only to find they didn’t care. So. As a waster of internet, I ask: Please forgive me, father, for I have, indeed, sinned.” …And you know what the priest said to me?
5) Being Wrong
The internet and its forums have been around for several years, and in all that time a wealth of serious, focused debate has solved most of the world’s great dilemmas and determined the ultimate truths, like who was the top tier fighter in Dead or Alive and who had the best boobs in Dead or Alive and who wins in a fight between Superastronautninjaman and Batcavepirateman and what really happened to Kennedy. (She became a libertarian.) So listen, bub; the internet is here to further the glory of the human race, not waste its limited time and attention educating you about stuff it already knows. Going on, say, some forum somewhere, and posting, say, “I thought Crystal Skull was not bad, actually” or “I think Megan Fox is perfectly attractive, up to and including her thumbs” is a sin, because you have brought up a terrible, horrible, discredited idea and it might get out and destroy all the work we’ve done. If you can’t say something right, STFU.
Listen, zen padawan apprentice. Be careful thou dost not care for things. For instance, bewarest how thou dress thyself in meatspace; the hipsters will surely identify thy suit and tie as evidence of caring too much about thy appearance, and the suits will identify thy cap and flannel as evidence of caring too much about thy appearance. Bewarest if thou put thy efforts into a song or a video production; thine care for thy work will be obvious for all to see by the fact that a “like” button is attachedeth. Beware if thou type or speak in proper grammatical English when catspeak or txtspk would suffice; surely all who read thy words will know thou cared too much, since thou took the time to hit extra keys like apostrophe and the letter Y. And thou dost not want to be discovered as caring about anything. Why? Because I tell you that this will happen: Thou care for some thing, and thou put part of thy soul into that thing. Thou put part of thy soul into some thing, and the internet will insult that thing. The internet insults that thing, and thy piece of soul is destroyed by the power of LOL. Like Voldemort, having a piece of your soul destroyed brings you closer to death; and just as suicide is a sin for destroying God’s gift of a body to you, so then is caring for some thing. For you will surely die. Also, don’t post photos of yourself.
7) Wearing Leggings as Pants
I don’t understand this one actually, which shines a light on the pitiable corruption in my soul. For even a brief visit to the internet will reveal hordes of honest evangelists trying to save the teeming masses from the seventh and deadliest sin. The sin which is this. This sin. Wearing leggings as pants. That’s the sin. It’s sinful. Even worse than Crocs. Ignore the people who say otherwise and they totally went out in this sinful outfit just today. SINNERS! For lo, the future will always remember the Great Awakening of 2015, when at last the tide of inequity caused by leggings being worn as pants lead to the internet finding a new faith, arising anonymously as one to finally push back against the wave of something-about-camels. They called their new church “Jezebel.com,” and for a time it was good. But, unfortunately, the Awakening was not long-lasted, because leggings being worn as pants became the retro-ironic-cool style for pre-preteens and octomoms alike in 2016. Good christian people can never win.
8) Yes, there’s an eighth sin, but it’s a secret. Okay, I’ll tell you. The eighth sin is thinking any of these sins apply to anyone but you. :-)
…Except the fifth one. That’s for everybody.