Out of the Frying Pan (A Short Play)

31 Plays in 31 Days #5

(A kitchen.)

(DANA is cooking something in a frying pan. Enter TY, Dana’s significant other. Both characters can be played any gender combination, but, for [admittedly heteronormative] ease sake, Dana will be referred to as female and Ty as male.)

TY
Oh shit! That smell you’ve made is coming from cooking.

(DANA doesn’t respond.)

TY
Instead of, you know, like grinding up alley cats in the garbage disposal, or something? What the hell is that shit?

DANA
Grilled cheese.

TY
If that’s grilled cheese, I’m Prince Hamlet.

DANA
Why don’t you look it up on your little phone.

TY
I know who Prince Hamlet is, I went to school you know.

DANA
I mean look up the definitely-not-a-grilled-cheese, dumbass.

(TY kisses DANA.)

TY
Oh, guess I should just Google “what the fuck is this shit that Dana’s cooking?”

DANA
Sure.

(TY gets out his phone and Googles “what the fuck is this shit that Dana’s cooking?”)

TY
Ha right on! I get “Hell’s Kitchen.”

DANA
…What are you-?!
God, I just looked up-
What are you wearing?

TY
I missed this old thing.

DANA
Put it in the frying pan, the way it smells that’s where it belongs.

TY
So you admit this shit stinks!

DANA
That’s the point.

TY
You tryna drive me outta the house bee-yatch? Come on I’ll see yer nasal warfare bombs and raise you a noogie!

DANA
Stop, Ty, I’ll burn myself!

TY
Oop, sorry.
What’s wrong, sweets?

DANA
I’m cooking and you’re trying to romp.

TY
Got something against a little romp in the kitchen?

DANA
Tyyy…

TY
I’ll have a little romp in your butt…

DANA
I’ll stick this spatula in your butt.

TY
Oo, I don’t think that’s the right shape I’d like. Try the… Let’s see… Here.

(TY brandishes a pair of tongs, opening and closing them while giving a salacious look. DANA can’t help but laugh, but quickly stops herself.)

TY
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Expandable.

DANA
Your mom’s expandable.

TY
I’m expandable.

DANA
I wish you were!
STOP stop stop, I’m still cooking!

TY
Geez. Alright alright geez.
You interrupt me in the middle of my whupping people’s asses online with your foul-ass cooking, won’t let me even-
Okay tell me what this is, enough games, I gotta know. Your cooking usually gives me the drools.

DANA
Call it…
Call it the Adventure Pot.

TY
It’s a pan.

DANA
Adventure Pan doesn’t sound as good. I’ll put it in a pot when it’s done and we can eat it out of that.

TY
So uh wait, you’re saying this is intended for human consumption. By, like, me.

DANA
If you consider yourself human.

TY
Oh har har har. If I ain’t, then you’re into bestiality.

(DANA gives a considering-it facial expression, then shrugs and nods as if approving bestiality.)

TY
Well! Well well look who’s the kinky slut.

DANA
If only.

TY
Whaaat?

DANA
Pass the Sriracha.

TY
What?

DANA
The- Right there- The cock sauce.

TY
Oh this shit! From the Chinese place- This shit tastes weird. Why don’t you try Tabasco. Wait- because it’d be too normal for whatever the hell this is you’re brewing.
God, I’m opening a window by the way.

DANA
Oh, good, while you’re over there, there’s some durian in the sink waiting, bring it over for the final touch.

TY
Some whaaat. Did you kill some guy named Damien and put him in the sink.

DANA
Durian, it’s a fruit.

TY
Your mom’s a-
OH MY FUCKING-
THIS SHIT SMELLS LIKE-
What the hell kind of tree makes this fruit, the kind that grows out of people’s graves?

DANA
It’s foreign.

TY
Foreign?
Like you had this shipped from overseas or something?

DANA
Well, someone did, I just bought it at the-

TY
How much this cost?

DANA
Ty.

TY
Hey hold on here.

(TY goes to and opens the garbage can. He immediately is pushed back by the smell.)

TY
Need protective gear.

(TY takes off his shirt or grabs a towel or something and wraps it around his head.)

DANA
God help me…

TY
Hold your rotting horses.

(TY goes into the trash can.)

TY
Head cheese… Some other cheese… Gee-oh-duck… $18.99? What-
How much did this little adventure into the land of stinky-ass food cost us, ‘Dane?

DANA
I put in an extra shift while you were at work, don’t worry.

TY
An extra- Dana I told you you don’t need to work at that place no more, and fine you’re keeping doing it, until we get married that’s, like, whatever and all, but, don’t go putting in extra shifts for them assholes!

DANA
I can’t just sit around here all day.

TY
Well, call your friends or something! Or play Warfare on my-

DANA
You know I hate that-

TY
Ride your bike or something, it does wonders for the ass. I don’t care what you do, but you know it makes me feel like a, like a… like some sort of medieval servant girl or something… basically a total sucker for working my ass off at that place, working my ass off for you, and then to come home and find you’ve been working too! Like, what would be the point of-
Fuck, you don’t listen.

DANA
You don’t make that much money.

TY
I make enough! More than you do.

DANA
Not when I take extra shifts.

TY
Then, fuck, why don’t I just quit and sit around all day. How about that.

DANA
I think you’d enjoy that.
Try this.

TY
Heeeeeellll noooo! You try it.

DANA
‘K.

(DANA tries it. She winces, but doesn’t gag, and manages to swallow it.)

DANA
Interesting.

TY
Interesting.
Dying of food poisoning is interesting.

DANA
It’s very thoroughly cooked.

TY
Sure, just needs more salt.

DANA
Actually…

(DANA adds some varied spices to the concoction.)

TY
I can’t believe this. You’re crazy.

DANA
Better than being bored.

TY
Come play-

DANA
I hate that ga-

TY
Come watch me play.

DANA
Oh fuck off.

TY
…Excuse me?

DANA
Stop it. If you don’t want to come swim in the Adventure Pot with me, I’ll just do it alone. Go back to your killing pretend people.

TY
‘Dane!

DANA
What.

TY
You’re mad at me.

DANA
No.

TY
Look, come on, you know I like the idea of providing for you. It’s not something I’d get to do, or want to do even, you know, for just anyone. And you go off and ruin it.

DANA
Money is money.

TY
If we’re gonna have a family, we have to get used to it. We have to be able to make ends meet on one salary. Cause we’ll have at least one more mouth to feed, you know.
As long as you don’t feed it Adventure Pot.

DANA
No, it’ll be all mine.

(DANA focuses on the cooking.)

TY
Sweets, come on.
‘Dane.
Dana.

DANA
Go play your game. Only got so much weekend left.

TY
…Fine.

(TY storms off.)

(DANA tries the food. It’s actually, almost, almost bearable.)

DANA
Haha!
I rock.
Food: the final frontier…

(DANA hums a theme song.)

(TY returns.)

TY
I’ll try it.

DANA
…What?

TY
I’ll try it.

(TY’s eyes water.)

DANA
Not if it’s going to make you vomit.

TY
No, no, this ain’t the onions.
Fuck.
I can’t live when you’re mad at me.
If this is that thing we talked about… I know, I know. I’m trying to be better for you. I’ll try it.

DANA
You really don’t have to.

TY
(playfully)
Bitch, gimme the ladle.
Or- come on, you feed it to me. Get a little bit of all of that on there. That spiky thing too.

DANA
Look at you. So brave.

TY
Go on. Make it quick.

DANA
(playfully)
I should tell you what’s in it first, you probably haven’t looked up what head cheese is…

TY
I- I know what it is-

DANA
But you don’t even kow about the-

TY
JUST PUT IT IN.

DANA and TY
That’s what she said.

TY
Ha ha ha DO IT.
FEED ME SWEETHEART.

(DANA lifts the ladle to TY’s mouth, but just as it’s about to get there, TY retches.)

(TY runs to the sink and vomits.)

(DANA stands there, perturbed, staring into space.)

(TY finishes vomiting and stands there over the sink. After a moment, DANA eats the food off of the ladle, chews it placidly, and nonchalantly turns off the stove and winds down the cooking.)

TY
Well, it’s weaponized.

DANA
I’m a culinary arms manufacturer all right.
Do you want to go out later?

TY
Are you kidding? We aren’t going anywhere. I gotta lie down and recover from that shit.

DANA
Ah. Yep.

(TY finishes washing up and comes over to DANA.)

TY
I get points for trying, right?
…You’re so amazing, you know that. You’re so creative, sweets. I really love you.

(TY starts nuzzling DANA. TY gets horny and starts kissing her. They make out a bit.)

(Suddenly, DANA picks TY up and plops him on top of the cool part of the stove. She rips his old shirt off.)

TY
What-

(DANA pours some of the Adventure Pot over TY’s bare chest and licks it off.)

TY
WHAT THE FUCK! GROSS!
Oh my God- Way to fucking ruin the moment, now I gotta go shower…

(TY exits.)

(DANA contemplates, still horny. DANA sticks her hand down her pants and sighs.)

DANA
…Welcome to real life…

(End of play.)

writing time: 0:48

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One comment

  1. […] suddenly alone Came from having NO IDEA what to write and just starting with an airplane 5) Out of the Frying Pan – a young woman cooks a foul-smelling meal for her young husband Came from wanting to write a […]

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