Something Something Lasers (A Short Play)

31 Plays in 31 Days #6

Occasionally, when writing 31 plays in 31 days, whatever you think you’re writing at first devolves into a second-rate Monty Python knockoff by the end, but, hey, it’s one checked off the list.

(A hospital room.)

(A DOCTOR, a MOMMY, a DADDY, and a DAUGHTER. The MOMMY has a bandage wrapped around her eyes.)

DOCTOR
Here goes.

MOMMY
Oh holy crap.
Aaaaaaaahhh!

DOCTOR DADDY
You okay? Honey?

MOMMY
Woah woah woah woah it’s like I’m about to land on Mars or something.
This is so freaky. I can’t handle it.

DOCTOR
If you’re having regrets-

DAUGHTER
Mommy does it hurt?

MOMMY
No baby! I mean yeah I feel like my eyes have been uhh

DOCTOR
Typical is the “squeezed grapefruit” feeling.

MOMMY
Well now that you say that it feels like that!
I was just gonna say “feels like my eyes have been dried out a little.”

DOCTOR
Uh.

DADDY
Honey you’ve come this far.

MOMMY
I’m not saying no! No, no, no regrets.

DAUGHTER
Do you see anything yet? Do you see me?

MOMMY
I’ll see you soon, baby.

DOCTOR
Well then here-

MOMMY
Aaaaaaaahhh!

DOCTOR
All right. MOMMY
Woah woah woah.
DADDY
You’re going to have to let Dr. C take them off, honey-

MOMMY
Woah. I know, I just can’t help it!

DAUGHTER
You’re scared?

MOMMY
It’s pretty scary, yeah.

DAUGHTER
You’re scared to see me?

MOMMY
No-

DADDY
Honey-

MOMMY
No no no, I’m excited, baby!
I’m excited to see you. I’m so excited I just can’t uffff
Can’t CONTAIN myself!
Doc touches the bandages and I just want to throw a one-woman parade in my mouth.

(She mimicks the sounds of a parade with mouth-noises: cymbal crashes, horns, crowd noise, snare drums, kazoos, and continues making the noises over the next couple lines.)

DADDY
Hon-
Hon-
Honey, you’re just going to have to find a way to hold it back enough to get the damn things off.

DOCTOR
Ahem.

DADDY
What?

(The doctor nods the the daughter.)

DAUGHTER
Oh I say worser thigns than damn.

DOCTOR
Oh.

DADDY
It’s true.

MOMMY
It’s my fault. Whatever, they’re just words.
Come here, baby. Sit on mommy’s lap. I’ll sing you a lullaby and that’ll help me stay calm enough for the doctor to do the job, okay?

DAUGHTER
Yay!

(The daughter climbs up.)

MOMMY
Okay, make it quick, doc.

DOCTOR
I’ll start as soon as you start singing.

DADDY
OH!
Wait.
Sorry.

(Daddy pulls out a video recording device.)

DADDY
Almost forgot.

MOMMY
Forgot what?
You taping this?

DADDY
Go on. It’ll be great, you’ll get to use your new laser eyes to-

MOMMY
Stop calling them laser eyes!

DAUGHTER
Yeah Daddy damn. They’re laser-corrected eyes.

DADDY
Oh nyeh nyeh miss smarty pants.

(They playfully stick out tongues at each other.)

DOCTOR
Well, technically, Precision-Lasered Ocular Spheres Imitating Verifiable Eyelike Sight.

DAUGHTER and DADDY
Smarty pants.

MOMMY
Oh I can’t wait to see you two.

DADDY
And it’ll be great to use your new Eyelikes to watch a video of you seeing for the first time, huh? That’s what I’m saying.

DOCTOR
Still waiting for you to sing.

MOMMY
All right. Come here, baby. Here goes.

(She sings; whenever the script indicates all caps, that is her voice peaking as she strains to hold back here excitement and channel it into the song.)

Twinkle, twinkle little stAAARRR
How I WOONder what YOUU are
Up abOOO abOOO abOOOve the world so high
Like a diamond in the SKYYYY
Twinkle twinkle OH GOD I SEE SHADOWS little star
How I wonder WHAAT YOUUU ARRRREE
(There are two small eyepatches over her eyes now that the bandage is off.)

DOCTOR
One last thing.

DADDY, DAUGHTER
Oh boy! Here goes!

(The doctor dramatically whips off the eyepatches. There is a BRIGHT LIGHT in the room and space-alien-laser sounds.)

DOCTOR
AAGHGGHH!

MOMMY
WHAT?

DAUGTHER
Mommy!

MOMMY
HEY!

DADDY
Cover your eyes!

(Mommy covers her eyes. The lasers stop. The doctor lies on the ground.)

DOCTOR
My hair! You lasered my hair!

MOMMY
What-  I-

DAUGHTER
Mommy you’re a superhero!

MOMMY
Uh. What’s going on.

DADDY
Oh jesus.

DOCTOR
It’s okay.
It-
It happens sometimes.

DADDY
And you don’t have protocol procedures for preventing-

DOCTOR
It only happens sometimes in the lab, with robot receptors. If you’ve got trapped lasers, that means that the visual acuity in your eye model was engineering to a supernormal level. That’s not FDA approved, you see, at least in part because in order to get to that level…

MOMMY
…you have to get evil deadly lasers.

DOCTOR
Well they’re not that deadly.

DADDY
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY WIFE? YOU PUT THE WRONG EYES IN-

DOCTOR
Wait there’s-

DAUGHTER
Shoot the doctor Mommy! Payback!

DOCTOR
Wait wait wait, it’s not permanent!
It’s-

MOMMY
Will I be able to see fully?

DADDY
HOW LONG?

DOCTOR
Another few seconds.
The eyes will work fine, experimental modeling shows that humans can take eyes that have machined to achieve up to 40/10 vision, which is so ridiculous it makes a falcon look like Mr. Magoo.

DAUGHTER
Who?

DOCTOR
Uh-  help me out here.

DADDY
I have no idea.

DOCTOR
Oh. Damn, I’m old.
Makes a falcon look… like a blind mole rat?

DAUGHTER
Okay.

DOCTOR
Anyhoo. Like I said, not approved, because of the lasers; which frankly I think is ridiculous, because they run out after a few seconds and then the eyes are-

DADDY
A few seconds?

MOMMY
My hands are getting tired and I’m scared I’ll shoot my daughter.

DOCTOR
She’s over here, she’s fine. I’m only singed a bit myself. But, yes, just a few seconds; how many lasers do you think can fit in your eye socket, silly? Anyways, just face the wall and uncover your eyes, the lasers will flush out in just a few more seconds, we’ll put a fresh coat of paint on the wall, and then you’ll be free and clear. I’ll be darned if they pluck out your working eyes after they’ve been implanted, FDA-approved or no. So basically… you’ve gotten an upgrade for free, AND helped science! Woo hoo!

MOMMY
…Woo hoo! Okay, well, fine, so look at the wall and open up?

DOCTOR
Yep.

MOMMY
Here goes.

(She does what he said. Bright lights, laser noises, but they fade quickly.)

DADDY
…Well? No one died.

MOMMY
I see shadows…

DOCTOR
Give it a minute; let me examine…
Hmm, yes, yes… everything good…
Follow the pencil… good, tracking is good…
Dilation is good…
You should be getting shapes and colors.

MOMMY
Yes.

DAUGHTER
Mommy! Mommy!

MOMMY
Oh! There you are!

DAUGHTER
What do I look like?

MOMMY
Like a little yellow dinosaur!

DAUGHTER
RARRR

DADDY
She doesn’t… actually… look like a dinosaur, does she…

MOMMY
Honey.

DADDY
Just checking.

DOCTOR
Your acuity should be picking up…

MOMMY
Yes… yes…
OH!
Oh oh oh

DAUGHTER
What is it, Mommy?

MOMMY
Eyes! Your eyes! I see my daughter’s eyes…
NO WAIT what’s happening it’s getting fuzzier again-

DADDY
Honey, those are tears. They blur your vision.

MOMMY
Holy crap!

DOCTOR
This is the part to videotape, sir.

DADDY
Oh right! If the camera’s not fried…

MOMMY
Oh, oh, there you are, my precious little thing…

DAUGHTER
Hi.

MOMMY
Hi baby.
…Uh.
Yeah, hi.

DADDY
Is something wrong?

DAUGHTER
…Am I ugly, mommy?

MOMMY
I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen anyone before, so I have no comparison.
OH WOOOAH
is that your noise, honey?

DADDY
…Yes…

MOMMY
What’s-
Uh-
Nevermind.

DADDY
What?

DOCTOR
What is it?

MOMMY
You’ve got lots of holes in your nose.

DADDY
…just the two…

DAUGHTER
Do I, Mommy?

MOMMY
Yes. I can see right through…

DOCTOR
Oh my.
Let me check you out here…

MOMMY
AHHHH! NOT SO CLOSE!

DOCTOR
Okay, okay. Hmmm.

DADDY
HMMM? THAT’S ALL YOU’VE GOT, HMMM?

DOCTOR
“The effects of supernormal visual acuity on previously sightless individuals, by Doctor C…”

MOMMY
Are you serious?

DOCTOR
What? This is very interesting.

MOMMY
I can’t look at my d-  My husband now without seeing him as some hideous mass of pores and tiny hairs! And all you can say is interesting?

DOCTOR
Well it is.

MOMMY
Aghhh…. Oooohhh…

DOCTOR
Calm down.

DADDY
Get her some non-screwed up eyes!

DAUGHTER
Yeah, get Mommy some non-fucked up eyes!

DOCTOR
I think we should study this a bit more before we-

(Mommy shoots big red lasers out of her eyes and vaporizes the doctor.)

MOMMY
AAAAAAAAooohhhh well.

DAUGHTER
Mommy!

DADDY
Honey!

MOMMY
On second thought maybe I should keep them.

(End of play.)

writing time: 0:50

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One comment

  1. […] a strange-action-demonstrates-a-relationship’s-subtext play [I swear, taht's a subgenre] 6) Something Something Lasers – a woman gets laser surgery? Came from again having NO IDEA what to write, and just trying to do […]

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