Menthols, Magnums, Mountain Dew (A Short Play)

31 Plays in 31 Days #7

The actual version I wrote contains a lot of simultaneous dialogue which WordPress can’t format appropriately.  So whenever a character’s line is preceded by // imagine them talking over the person before them.

(Outside a 7-11, 2 a.m.)

(CONNA smokes.)

CONNA
Oh shit!

(Enter ZACHARY, LENA and DESIREE on foot. ED follows in soon after.)

ZACHARY
Conna, my man!

CONNA
//Hey, yeah.

LENA
Holy shit.

CONNA
Check out you guys.

LENA
Holy shit man, how you been.

ZACHARY
Sup.

CONNA
Sup man. Bring it in, brother.

(They man-hug.)

CONNA
Ahh make it sweet. Linger a little too long. And break.

LENA
//Ha ha.

ZACHARY
Uhh… Ahhhh. Warm in here.

CONNA
//Heh.

LENA
//Nice.

ED
Woah, line-ups and coincidences…

CONNA
Oh hey dude, oh you’re uh, you’re Ed right? That guy.

ED
Yeahh. I’m that… guy.

(ED chuckles a bunch.)

CONNA
…Conna.

LENA
//Fuckin’ Ed.

DESIREE
What?

CONNA
Like “hello.” “I’m.”

DESIREE
Connor?

ED
//Here’s the thing.

ZACHARY
Oh shit Desiree you don’t-?
Conna, this is Conna, that’s like his real name too.

CONNA
Desiree.

ED
//A man.
A man doesn’t have a name.
Because he’s more than…
Than a man, when he…

DESIREE
//If you kiss my hand I am going to punch you in the dick.

CONNA
Woah! Shit! Damn. All right.

ED
//I’ll just- Did she just say she’s-?

CONNA
//How’s it be, Lena Lena pumpkin eata? Desiree ouuuucch.

(LENA hugs CONNA close, pressing her body against his.)

CONNA
Good night for hugs at the 7-11.

ZACHARY
It’s a regular
It’s not as good as mine I bet.

(LENA ropes ZACHARY over.)

CONNA
Oh what’s this.

ZACHARY
//Ohh. Too sexy! Too sexy! Too much sexy! What.

LENA
Yeah heah. Win one for the girls team.

ED
//One of each, Conna, you are… the man.
WOAH.
Listen, listen, k. K. K. K. Listen.
Hey listen.

(LENA, ZACHARY and CONNA are still hugging, ED and them are all laughing. DESIREE stands off to the side.)

ED
Hey listen!
I forgot what I was going to say.

LENA
Sex.

CONNA
//“I’m not as think as you high I am.”

ED
You are more than a man, you are a threesome.

ZACHARY
Sersly guys, I’m getting a cramp up in my buttockal area…

CONNA
Okay 1 2 3

ED
//I said that wrong…

CONNA and LENA
//Break.

ED
Sweet my turn.

(ED makes a hug gesture and walks indiscriminately forward. ZACHARY dodges.)

ZACHARY
Oh god.

DESIREE
//Ed!

LENA
Heh heh sweet.

(ED and LENA hug.)

ED
Ohhh man. This is too much for
We say “man” because
We are appealing to a higher humanity

CONNA
// Well.
Zachary.
What.

ED
//To observe this moment
For all time.
For all… human scale time.

CONNA
//Heh. What brings…

(ZACHARY shrugs towards the 7-11.)

CONNA
Right, right. Taquitos craving hits 2am you-

LENA
1am!

CONNA
Kids its 2am, check it.

LENA
We left at-

ED
//We vacated the premises-

ZACHARY
We walked.

CONNA
Where you live again?

ED
//We have achieved a great communication with the manhood, womanhood, humanihood of the
See, consciousness is constrained by

ZACHARY
//On- Of the
You were at the-
Lena’s party.

CONNA
//Yeah, but where was that? Come on.

ED
//By
Lena

LENA
I free consciousness.

DESIREE
//So who’s hungry.

LENA
//My party was at Zachary’s house which is where we are at.

ED
Not anymore!
HA HA HA. Fake laugh ha ha ha. Do it with me.

LENA
Ha ha.

ED
All everyone. Ha ha ha.

CONNA
Well wherever it is you walked an hour.

ZACHARY
Fennester Street.

LENA
//We may have-

CONNA
You get lost?

(ZACHARY nods his head at ED.)

LENA
//There was a detour to the sewer-

CONNA
Blind leading the-

ED
//That was fun.
BLIND!
I’m hungry.

DESIREE
Hallelujah.
What are we here for?

CONNA
//Sewer? Really? And you’re not raped?

LENA
//Menthols menthols menthols.
Shit Conna you got an ID? There’s a liquor store-

CONNA
What? No. I’m old, girl. I don’t need an ID.

ZACHARY
Conna is…

CONNA
Got a little if you…
I mean you didn’t come to the Slevin looking…

LENA
Oh shit!

ED
//Yes yes yesss
Ah most excellent signs and coincidences

ZACHARY
I have like no money.

CONNA
Buy me some a whatever you’re eating I’ll spot you a spliff. I feel

ED
Magnanimous.

LENA
//What?

CONNA
//Sure.

LENA
No no no forget it I’ve got a twenty rolled up in my shoe.

CONNA
Well in that case…

LENA
Yes yes YESSSS ha YEAH WOOOO Desiree frolic with me!

ED
Unh unh unh party all night unh unh unh till there’s sunlight Light.

(ED dances around with LENA and DESIREE. DESIREE looks at ED exclusively.)

DESIREE
Ed.

LENA
Uhhh.
Rockin’!

ZACHARY
Well-

ED
Fearless leader! Your command!

CONNA
//Ah yes.

ZACHARY
Well uh
Forward uh march!
Unto the uh

CONNA
Breach?

ED
Breach!

ZACHARY
Convenience store!

LENA
//Ba da da, da da da da, da da da…

ZACHARY
//Not as dangerous as a-
Sewer-
Go forth and uh
Collect your missions

LENA
Menthols!
Someone go get those for me.

ED
//That tune…
It calls to mind…
My mind…

ZACHARY
//Menthols!

DESIREE
Food.

ED
//The depths of…
America…
Lena Lena Lenamerica…

LENA
Ba baaaa.

CONNA
//Yes, for godsake some food.

DESIREE
I don’t care what.

ZACHARY
Mountain Dew! Copious, flowing dew of the
mountains

ED
//Meadows
Aw shit I got it wrong.
Lena you’re glittery.

CONNA
I’m here, go ahead captain.

LENA
//I like sneezed glitter earlier, remember?

ZACHARY
All right. Anything else beyond?

ED
OH.
That’s it.
That’s it.
I need.
hey glitter girl listen.

LENA
//You stay.

ED
//Zachary and Ed and that Man
We shall go forth

CONNA
//I’m not going in.

ED
//Zachary and Not That Man
Zachary! Menthols for…!

ZACHARY
Oh-kay.

ED
Lena!

LENA
Ba ba baaa!

DESIREE
//What about…

ED
Nourishablesament!

LENA
Food!

ED
And, LENA,
I shall get
MAGNUMS.

(Silence. ED turns dramatically on his heel and heads inside. ZACHARY makes a face and then follows him quickly.)

LENA
What?
Is Ed going to fuck me?
I mean.
He doesn’t really need [Magnums]…?
Does…?

(LENA looks at DESIREE for an answer; DESIREE makes the most offended face in the world.)

LENA
Um.
What you want, Conna?

CONNA
Uh-huh.

LENA
Taquitos…
Shit, some maracino cherries…

(LENA goes inside.)

CONNA
Uhhhh
-huh.

DESIREE
Hungry, why wait, stand outside a 7-11 and wait for the stoner kids.

(CONNA pulls out some cigarettes.)

DESIREE
I have very good aim.

(CONNA starts to offer a cigarette to DESIREE.)

DESIREE
I QUIT.

(CONNA cancels mid-motion.)

DESIREE
That’s right.

CONNA
Ahem.

DESIREE
What?

CONNA
Nice night.

DESIREE
Fuck you.

CONNA
You’re hot when you’re angry.

(DESIREE goes to hit him, he dodges.)

CONNA
Oh shit, not bluffing. Okay, okay, all right, take your hit.

(She hits him.)

CONNA
Well dayum.

DESIREE
Fuck, you.

CONNA
I didn’t say anything.

DESIREE
I should just go home.

CONNA
Where’s that.

DESIREE
I mean
I mean Zachary’s-
Fuck.

CONNA
Staying there?
What the fuck are they doing.

DESIREE
Oh that’s what happens when Zachary is in front of Lena, you know, he tries to juggle, they have this thing, he takes I guess it’s Doritos bags this time and almost juggles them and Lena’s like entrances she’s all
wawawawawa
And he stares at her tits while she’s
Entranced.

CONNA
Cool friends.

DESIREE
Fuck you…

CONNA
So Ed’s your…

DESIREE
What?

CONNA
“Heh heh heh,” Ed.

DESIREE
Yes I know who he is.

CONNA
You know who he is.

DESIREE
Fine. We broke up, it’s fine, it was like a minute ago.

CONNA
Clearly.

DESIREE
I’m not telling a strange dealer my secret passions or some shit.

CONNA
Clearly.

DESIREE
Fine, you want ‘em?

CONNA
Whatever.

DESIREE
Don’t play me.

CONNA
Nah.

DESIREE
I know what you’re doing.

CONNA
Okay, then is it working?

DESIREE
Fine, you want to know? We said we’d stop. We said
We said
He said all right I love you too much to lose you over some pot or some shit like that, life is long you know, when he’s, when he’s sober, when he’s paying attention to you, all that stuff like clarifies, all that stuff he says, he crystallizes, he’s the smartest guy ever, he read like a million books and he can tell you everything, and he just ruins it and loses it when he gets stupid, takes us into the Rape Sewers, climbs a tree, I don’t know, I think it’s because he tries to get away from himself, he like has so many thoughts and they’re so true and deep in a not-bullshit way but like a “I’ve-got-two-dead-siblings-and-grew-up-on-an-army-base-and-I-shake-my-head-a-little-when-those-Twitards-and-fucking-kid-posers-and-frosh-and-stuff-come-talking-all-like-‘death-sucks-live-your-life’-because-I-know’ he knows, he is the only stoner I know who’s like planning for a business career because he’s like fuck I know what trying to be a fucking art student- he’s 22 going on 97,000, wisdom of the Bible for serious, for serious, and, well, fuck, clearly I love him, I hate seeing him run away from himself, smoke up, shoot up, whatever, I know it’s hard but I want to I want to help him deal, there are better ways and we’re not fucking teenagers anymore like fucking LENA over there, fucking Lena…

CONNA
Fucking Lena.

DESIREE
Shutup! So I say, I’m quitting, he says that’s great, I say I’m quitting and quit with me, I want to be in the same, on the same, the same wavelength together, and like of course we can still be friends with our- it’s not- we’re not in AA or some- and he’s like ‘cool, cool, yeah, this is better, this is good,’ and the very FUCKING NEXT WEEKEND at not-this-Zachary’s-but-the-other-Zachary’s-

CONNA
Dubois.

DESIREE
No that’s this Zachary.

CONNA
Oh. Then I don’t know the other one.

DESIREE
Wildermann. Anyway. Any-fucking-way. So yeah. He breaks our promise, our rule, like our motherfucking bond… he goes hog-fucking-wild like me telling him “please no” makes him want to do it more and I say, I stay all calm and I say, I say “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I’m headed home early” and he gets fucking MAD.

CONNA
That dude?

DESIREE
What.

CONNA
I guess.

DESIREE
MAD. He can get mad. You ever get mad on pot?

CONNA
Nah, I sleep.

DESIREE
He can do it whatever, whenever, he’s never as crazy as he wants you to think. Ed, motherfucking Ed. So, well, boom. He’s mad, he says “fuck you bitch” in front of Zachary and everybody-

CONNA
Which one?

(DESIREE kicks him.)

CONNA
Geez.
I-
Okay, sorry, yeah.

DESIREE
You listening?

CONNA
I knew there were two Zachs.
They’re eating hot dogs by the way.

DESIREE
Those fuckers.

CONNA
Whatever, long as they bring out something for me before I collapse into a singularity.

DESIREE
What? Yeah.
Anyways.
He’s mad. He says-
I can tell you’re interested.

CONNA
He’s mad, he breaks up with you, it’s sad, and now he wants to fuck little Lena and do it right in front of you. That’s some tough shit. Want to go home to my place instead?

DESIREE
Yeah.

CONNA
Yeah? Good.

DESIREE
NO. Jesus.

CONNA
You could.

DESIREE
Say that one more time-

CONNA
Hey you don’t punch that hard.

DESIREE
No no no. I will not punch you. I’ll just stop talking to you.

CONNA
…Okay.

DESIREE
Also, I’ll make Zachary and Lena not buy anything off of you. You’re not our regular guy anyways and we left like two ounce in his basement.

CONNA
Uh-

DESIREE
Try me, fucker. I am so spirited.

CONNA
That’s a word.

DESIREE
Yeah.
I just spilled my guts to you and you try and fuck me.

CONNA
Whatever, you want to share your drama with-

DESIREE
Oh no no no, this isn’t drama. You know how many boyfriends I’ve had?

CONNA
Two.

DESIREE
One.

CONNA
So.

DESIREE
You can be actually interested and not want to fuck me, it’s okay.

CONNA
Of course. Cigarette?

(DESIREE takes the cigarette and smashes it on the ground. CONNA offers another. She smashes it. They repeat this until there’s one cigarette left.)

CONNA
Go on.

(DESIREE takes it and puts it in her mouth. He offers a light, but she doesn’t light it; she just lets the cigarette dangle from her lips.)

CONNA
This is a weird night.

DESIREE
It hasn’t even started yet.

CONNA
Fuck, it’s past this dude’s bedtime.

DESIREE
Aww.

CONNA
You should tell him to fuck off.

DESIREE
If you were listening-

CONNA
Yeah, I know, you love him, it’s cute, it’s cool, and all that, and everything, sweet. You tell him to fuck off and he’ll come back. Guy advice.

DESIREE
I don’t play games.

CONNA
A woman, doesn’t play games?

DESIREE
I know, right? I’m just driving your little mind batshit.

CONNA
You’re so hard.

DESIREE
I’ll smash this cigarette.

CONNA
Here they come.

DESIREE
I’ll take your money away. Me and Zachary-

(She makes a “we’re tight” gesture.)

CONNA
It’s twenty bucks.

DESIREE
And the food.
Or you could you know go into the 7-11 yourself and get it.

CONNA
What do you want from me.

DESIREE
Your honest fucking opinion, since you’re so old and I told you everything and I’m really.
Scared.
All right?

CONNA
I’m wise?

DESIREE
You have like fifteen seconds.

CONNA
Threesome him and Lena.

DESIREE
Ugh.

CONNA
Desiree, that is my most serious advice, like, the most serious advice I’ve ever given. This dude has seen all the shit because the dealer is God. This ain’t no Seinfeld shit. Menage a trois it up and there’ll be some shit but in the end you be your cool smart who-understands-him self and he’s yours again. No lie.

(DESIREE smashes the cigarette.)

CONNA
Jesus Christ.
You ASKED.

DESIREE
I-

CONNA
Whatever.
I’m outta here.

(Enter ED, ZACHARY, LENA.)

CONNA
Here’s your freebie.
I’ll take the chips.
Peace y’all. LENA
Hey-
ZACHARY
What?

CONNA
Said peace.

ED
Wmmm.

(ED is eating ice cream.)

CONNA
Allll right.

LENA
//Well the taquitos are like actually not stale for once so…
Desiree…

ZACHARY
Nooo dude…

(ZACHARY pulls CONNA aside.)

DESIREE
//Gross.

ZACHARY
I was gonna-
Come over my place chill, you’re not-
If you’re not doing anything-

(DESIREE eats the taquito.)

DESIREE
//But soooo good.

CONNA
What?

ED
//Mmmfrr.

ZACHARY
I’ve-
We’ve-
Place is deserted-

DESIREE
//Drink.

CONNA
Uh…

LENA
//Woah here.

ZACHARY
Please, dude, I owe you.

DESIREE
//God…

CONNA
Nah it’s cool.
Later all. Nice night.
Stay outta trouble.
Oh bro hug it one last time.

ED
//Lllrr.

ZACHARY
Sexy! Sexy! Se-

(CONNA exits abruptly.)

DESIREE
Shithead.
No, he was all right…

LENA
Make up your mind…

DESIREE
Well how do you feel?

LENA
Sleepy.

DESIREE
Uh.

ED
Hrhrr?

DESIREE
What are you eating, Ed?

ED
Mhmm.

LENA
Got one for you.

(LENA hands DESIREE a Magnum ice cream bar.)

DESIREE
Oh.

(ED walks over and puts his ice cream bar in DESIREE’s mouth, then takes hers and opens it and starts eating it.)

DESIREE
Thfff
Thanks?
Ed, what is wrong with you.

ED
There are infrared red heat tracks of the man
Where the man has been
We are not going where those tracks lead
For if we could see
See the heat
On the ground of our tracks
We’d know…
Something…
The ice cream makes us too cold though.
Heh.
That doesn’t make sense.

(ED chuckles. He puts his arm around LENA and heads them back the way they originally entered.)

DESIREE
Did-?
I thought-?
Did you think-?

ZACHARY
He was going to stay?

DESIREE
What?
No, about the-

ZAHCARY
The M-
The what?

DESIREE
The-
Nevermind.
What is wrong with you?
I mean, what’s bothering you?

ZACHARY
Nothing’s wrong with me.

DESIREE
I said-
I hate words.

ZACHARY
It’s cool.
Let’s go.
Them Mountain Dews and Funyuns won’t consummate themselves will they be?
Be
Be consum-ed.

(ZACHARY stares at DESIREE.)

DESIREE
You need to smoke more.

ZACHARY
…Uh huh.
Fine.

DESIREE
…Ed’s…

ZACHARY
Uh huh.

DESIREE
Well uh…

ZACHARY
Uh huh.

(ZACHARY offers an arm for DESIREE, she doesn’t notice it and walks off after Ed and Lena. ZACHARY starts to walk off alone.)

(DESIREE comes back with a small sigh, takes ZACHARY’s arm and walks off with him.)

(End of play.)

writing time: 1:22

One comment

  1. […] surgery? Came from again having NO IDEA what to write, and just trying to do something sci-fi 7) Menthols, Magnums, Mountain Dew – some dissolute youth with relationship problems gather at a 7-11 Came from wanting to write a […]

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