(A living room. Four friends are setting up for a role playing gaming session. There is a zombie plush toy nearby.)
CHARLES
You ordered the pizza?
MEGAN
Yes, Charles.
CHARLES
When?
MEGAN
Twenty minutes ago, when I told you.
CHARLES
Where is he? If he’s not here before the pizza, we’ll have to pause to eat before we even get going, and we’ll all get food coma and there goes the game.
MEGAN
He said he’s on his way.
LISSA
He’s usually not late like this.
WILL
Why don’t we start without him?
CHARLES
No man, I planned for four. It ruins the whole scenario.
MEGAN
We never finish your scenarios anyways.
CHARLES
You know what? Eat zombie!
(CHARLES throws the plush at MEGAN, who tackles him and beats him with it.)
MEGAN
YOUR BRAINS ARE MINE.
WILL
We’ll have the plushie stand in for Parker until he’s here. I’ll play him and-
LISSA
I’m calling him.
MEGAN
Lissa.
LISSA
I’m calling him. It’s not like him.
CHARLES
If the last five messages haven’t roused that lazy ass out of bed-
MEGAN
Remember what we said.
CHARLES
What? What did you say?
LISSA
Nothing.
MEGAN
Be cool.
I’ll call him.
LISSA
Yeah, you’re right.
WILL
What’s going on?
CHARLES
Secret girl things. We must study their eyes and deconstruct their code.
MEGAN
I’ll beat you again.
It’s ringing.
(A ringtone rings from just outside the room somewhere.)
LISSA
Is that ringing?
MEGAN
Maybe I dialed the wrong-
No it’s him.
CHARLES
YOU ASSHOLE! YOU WERE HIDING HERE THE WHOLE TIME!
(Pause.)
CHARLES
Well come out man.
WILL
Where is he?
(A door or window busts down suddenly, and PARKER, looking like a zombie, crashes in and lands in an incoherent heap on the floor.)
CHARLES, WILL, MEGAN, LISSA
(ad libbed startled responses)
Jesus Christ! Oh my god! What the fuck! Parker?
LISSA
Parker are you okay?
CHARLES
He’s dressed like a zombie.
LISSA
Way to take the joke too far, man.
MEGAN
Yeah, uh, my [door/window]? You’re going to pay for that?
Jesus, he’s not okay.
LISSA
He’s not bleeding…
Parker get up. You went overboard.
WILL
Should we call an ambulance?
CHARLES
Oh that’s good, “our friend decided to play zombie and-”
WILL
They get that stuff all the time, stupid kids playing and-
MEGAN
Will you help us pick him up onto the couch so we can see if he’s okay?
CHARLES
He’s probably faking and is going to spit a pea soup capsule or something at you as soon as you lift him up.
MEGAN
Charles!
CHARLES
Just warning you.
(MEGAN and WILL lift PARKER up and put him on the couch.)
WILL
Jesus, that makeup is disgusting.
LISSA, MEGAN
Wow. Ugh.
CHARLES
Awesome, man. But you start out playing a human in this campaign-
(PARKER springs to life and bites WILL.)
MEGAN
Hey!
WILL
OW FUCK
MEGAN, WILL, LISSA, CHARLES
(ad libbed general confusion)
Let him go! Jesus, Parker! Not cool! Stop it! Ow, ow!
WILL
He’s tearing my neck open! STOP IT DUDE
MEGAN
You’re taking it way too far!
CHARLES
What’s… he doing…
LISSA
Parker! Please! This isn’t funny!
MEGAN
I’m calling the cops right now if you don’t let go!
WILL
PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE
LISSA
No!
(MEGAN punches PARKER in the face. This stuns him, but as he pulls back blood comes pouring out of WILL’s neck.)
WILL
Um, ow.
MEGAN, LISSA
(ad libbed concern and confusion)
Oh my god! Are you okay? Wrap this around it. Hold on. Parker you shithead!
MEGAN
Ambulance. Our stupid friend got… drunk or something and tore up our other friend’s neck and he’s bleeding really fast please hurry oh my god
LISSA
Something got into Parker. Parker say something! Snap out of it!
(LISSA slaps PARKER.)
PARKER
Unnnhhhhgggggrrrrlll.
(PARKER lunges forward at LISSA. MEGAN steps up and punches PARKER again, and he falls back and lolls on the couch.)
LISSA
YOU HURT HIM FOR REAL! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
MEGAN
Will? WILL?
LISSA
Oh my god Will-
(WILL collapses on the ground.)
(MEGAN and LISSA stare at him, shocked. PARKER continues to be half-moving.)
CHARLES
He’s a real zombie.
MEGAN
Will…?
CHARLES
Parker is a zombie.
LISSA
No…
CHARLES
This…
…is AWESOME!
(Stunned silence.)
CHARLES
Oh my god at long last!
ALL HAIL THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
MEGAN
You’re kidding, right?
LISSA
I think Will is dead. He’s not bleeding anymore.
I don’t understand…
CHARLES
Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for-
(MEGAN jumps at CHARLES and scratches at him.)
MEGAN
OUR FRIEND JUST BIT OUR OTHER FRIEND AND HE MIGHT BE DEAD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
CHARLES
Hey I’m not the zombie. We should probably tie the zombie up.
(As if on cue, PARKER gets up and starts lunging. CHARLES grabs him and holds his head back and pins him to the couch. LISSA sits on the floor, unresponsive. MEGAN grabs something to tie him up with and uses it on Parker. She punches Parker again for good measure, leaving Parker restrained and incoherent enough for the moment.)
CHARLES
Is 911 still on the line?
MEGAN
Hello? Are you still-
Hold on.
(She dials again.)
MEGAN
What the fuck. No signal. Signal just died, like now. What happened.
CHARLES
Eeeeeee
MEGAN
Charles?
CHARLES
Eeeeeeeeeeeyeeee-ha! HA ha ha ha yes ha wow! ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
Cell towers are down, you see? There’s probably an army of zombies gathering out there.
Maybe Parker was the first! That’d be such an honor.
Oh my there’s so much to do-
MEGAN
CHARLES SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.
This is-
This isn’t-
CHARLES
Come on, look at him. His skin. His smell! You think Parker just took a costume too far? You think he’s acting? That’s not acting there. No one acts like that. That’s an actual zombie.
MEGAN
That’s… Parker…
CHARLES
Parker is dead, Megan.
Oh man I’ve always wanted to say something like that.
MEGAN
Our friend is a zombie. Our other friend is dead.
CHARLES
And will probably come back a zombie too.
MEGAN
Are our other friend who was in love with the zombie before he was a zombie is catatonic and I don’t blame her.
Hush, Lissa. It’s okay.
And… you’re… celebrating.
CHARLES
Did you really want to go to work tomorrow?
MEGAN
I’ll take work over friends dying for the next thousand years, you idiot!
CHARLES
Don’t yell at me, it’s not my fault.
MEGAN
Well whose is it?
CHARLES
There’s a number of possible scenarios… We have to figure it out…
(CHARLES pulls a notebook out of a backpack.)
MEGAN
You have a plan? You have a motherfucking zombie apocalypse plan?
CHARLES
We all did! We played zombie survival RPGs-
MEGAN
That’s not like- I never- You- It- Fuck- What- We-
CHARLES
Hey hey hey. Can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
MEGAN
How are you happy about this?
CHARLES
I don’t know, maybe because it’s awesome.
MEGAN
You’re a psychopath. If we survive this, I’m breaking up with you as a friend.
CHARLES
Well stick with me and we will survive.
MEGAN
Oh please. I bet you my ass that you’re dead within a day. And you fucking deserve it, you shithead.
LISSA
Parker…
Charles, can we turn them back?
CHARLES
Did you guys forget every zombie movie we watched? No turning back. We just shoot them in the head.
LISSA
OH noOOOOOOOooo!
(LISSA breaks down inconsolably.)
(MEGAN stands up and goes to punch CHARLES. CHARLES dodges and grabs his backpack and wraps it over his shoulder like a shield.)
CHARLES
Ha-ha!
(MEGAN kicks him in the knee, then kicks him in the face.)
CHARLES
What the hell?
MEGAN
That’s for your plans, shithead.
CHARLES
Jesus, Megan. The best thing happens-
MEGAN
THE WORST THING!
CHARLES
THE BEST! At last, something real is happening! Did you really want to live out our lives with boring work and boring getting married and boring having kids and no more excitement? I always said the adventure drained out of the world once the Industrial Revolution happened. It’s about time we get to have something real, worth fighting for. Good vs. evil. Love in the ruins. Humanity united. A fucking reason to live.
Now, if you two want to live, you’ll come with me. First we go to the gas station- Everyone else goes for guns and food first, so grocery stores and the mall are unsafe. We hit the gas station for the cheapo convenience food, most of it canned and imperishable or else its Twinkies and imperishable- And grab all the gas we can carry. That puts us ahead of the other suckers. Then we go to my secret stash in the woods-
MEGAN
I’m not leaving my house. Or Lissa.
CHARLES
Survival is better in numbers. I can teach you how to use a gun. Here, look-
MEGAN
If you pull a gun out of your backpack, I will end you.
CHARLES
Megan-
MEGAN
Charles, I mean it. Look at me. I will destroy you. You think you have no remorse? I will break your neck right now. See how much I give a fuck anymore. See it? See it on my face?
CHARLES
I have- have to-
MEGAN
Then leave.
(Pause.)
CHARLES
Fine, I’ll stay. But you’ll see…
LISSA
Charles, make him better.
CHARLES
He won’t get better, Lissa. He’s a monster now. Look.
(CHARLES puts his hand near PARKER’s mouth. PARKER goes to bite, but CHARLES pulls away.)
CHARLES
He’s rotting. It’s too late.
LISSA
It’s… all a joke… it’s all pretend… you’re all going to show me the fake blood and take a bow and take a picture of me any second now…
MEGAN
Sorry, honey.
(CHARLES continues to put his hand near PARKER and pull it away, daring him to bite and laughing.)
MEGAN
Charles, be careful-
CHARLES
Don’t worry, I’m way quicker than-
(PARKER lunges forward and bites CHARLES’s hand, then leans back and swallows the bit of blood.)
CHARLES
What.
MEGAN
Uh.
LISSA
What does that mean?
MEGAN
He’s going to become a zombie.
Way to go.
CHARLES
N-no… we don’t know if that’s how it works this time-
(WILL suddenly wakes up on the floor, rolls over and bites CHARLES. CHARLES pushes away and falls back. MEGAN pulls LISSA up to her feet.)
CHARLES
No no no no!
MEGAN
Okay Lissa we’re leaving.
LISSA
Oh God….
CHARLES
Wait!
MEGAN
Fuck you. Nice knowing you.
LISSA
Bye Charles.
(MEGAN and LISSA exit.)
(CHARLES stares at PARKER and WILL.)
CHARLES
No no no no no!
I’m supposed to survive!
YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I’LL MISS THE WHOLE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
IT’S OTHER PEOPLE WHO DIE, NOT ME!
I AM TOO COMPETENT FOR THIS!
(CHARLES collapses. PARKER and WILL crawl over him and start eating him.)
(End of play.)
writing time: 0:40 or so
babelwright 
[…] a retired hitman attempts to find love Came from wanting to write a play with a chorus 29) OMG Zombies Are Real?!? – some friends deal with the question of a zombie apocalypse Came from having had the idea for […]
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